By Aren Oakland
As a teenager I dreamed of being a sex and relationship advice columnist for a feminist magazine. Just like „Dear Abby„, I wanted to see the worlds sexual secrets and delve out the words of wisdom that would make everyone feel better about themselves, their desires, and their kinkiest fantasies. I grew up in the 90’s reading about sex, love, and relationships in teen gossip magazines which featured Jonathan Taylor Thomas on the cover, issues of Women’s Health that laid next to my mothers bed, and all the fashion and gossip magazines in the hair salon where my mom would get her hair cut. I can still remember articles with titles like, “How to Keep Your Man Satisfied in Bed” and quizzes like, “What Type of Boy Should You Date?”
When I was older I traded out my teeny bopper magazines for feminist ones like Bust and Bitch Magazine, and even though they were slightly less boy focused they were still pretty straight, especially back in the 90’s when I was reading them. When I was just a little gay teen, I didn’t realize that I was missing out on hearing the voices and opinions of queer people on the topics of sex, love, and relationships. I didn’t realize how much I was lacking queer relationship models until I was suddenly in my 30’s and realizing it was harder than I could have imagined to maintain a loving relationship for more than two years, and I was going on 6 years with my babe. I wanted to look to my friends for advice. But who could offer me advice about my long term queer polyamorous multicultural relationship? I was severely lacking real life role models. So I reached out to the internet, as I have many times before.
For the past year that I was struggling in my queer romance my Google searches became more and more frequent. Hoping to find the words of wisdom or shared experiences that would help me win at my relationship, I searched websites and blogs daily. I found plenty of articles dealing with similar relationship issues to mine but they all had one thing in common: they were written by and for straight people. Now, you may think, “What’s the difference right? Straight or gay, relationships are all the same.” But what I was missing was the feeling of relatability. I wanted to hear the voices from my community: gender queers, lesbians, butches, Trans men and Trans women. Where were those relationship stories? Where was the advice for us Queers out there? Those of us who grew up in the pre-internet era, during the 80’s and 90’s we were limited to a predominantly white, heteronormative, and very vanilla set of opinions and experiences regarding sex and relationships produced and delivered by mainstream media. But all that has changed. With DIY online magazines, blogs, and podcasts practically anyone can put their opinions and advice out for the everyone to see. So I went on a search for the best Queer blogs on sex and relationships. This is what I found…
This blog, which is done in the fashion of a „Dr. Sommer“ or a „Dear Abby“ column, readers can write in to Mae Winters anonymously and ask any question their heart desires. Mae Winters‘ advice is always thoughtful, educational, and on point. Questions don’t seem to come in very frequently in the past year that the website has been around, but the website has a lot of potential to grow as it gains popularity. Followers are writing in about topics such as jealousy, polyamory, sex, anxiety, and relationship dynamics. Mae Winters also features links to other articles about anti-black racism, she can be found in „Mask Magazine“ giving advice for how to find a therapist, and was featured on the queer radio program Pure Pop for Queer Lovers. If I could wish one thing from this blog, it would be that Mae Winters posted more often and wrote advice articles even when the questions are not pouring in.
These podcasts, while not explicitly queer, often feel pretty queer and feature queer voices. With an artistic, playful, and fun and sexy attitude they explore a variety of topics related to sex and love, including poop fetish, masturbating in public bathrooms, STI’s, and homelessness. They don’t seem to post very regularly but they have been around for several years and have quit a collection to go through. What you find on their site is timeless, and satisfyingly graphic.
Autostraddle is an amazing online queer feminist magazine that I have been reading for years. They have an amazing „Sex & Relationship“ section that is super funny, always relatable, and featuring many different perspectives, voices, and experiences. They have writers from the top and bottom perspectives of BDSM and Kink play relationships, articles about disability, body issues, bisexuality, sex toys, queer parenting, safer sex, femmes, polyamory, and queer horoscopes. They have it all! And they post new articles often. They have a decent sized writing staff and many other contributors that give you the feeling that this online magazine is run by a large community of queers working together to cover all the important issues.
There aren’t so many sex and relationship blogs geared specifically to People of Color but this blog is by and for women and queers of Africa and the Diaspora, and it has so much great stuff going on. You can search sexual, political, and intimate posts from the heart all day long. From topics like Afro sexual politics, gender and identity, and sex and relationships, to sexual wisdom and queer spirituality and culture, this blog covers a lot of topics. Many writers contribute to this blog so you see a lot of different perspectives and voices. Here you can find people feeling outside of the gender binary, lesbians coming out for the first time, and even a bit of literotica. There are a lot of very personal and relatable stories to be found here. Take your time to really explore this one.
This blog is artsy, sexy, political, and interesting. It really exposes the sexy, naughty, and sometimes dirty side of art and pop culture, but not without a political edge. As the title informs us, this collective is based in Berlin, which is great because they sometimes host amazing events such as their most recent one, Labor or Labor: A Queer Feminist Experience. They have many contributors who write about sex, art, politics, pornography, and what is vaginal discharge really? This blog really makes me want to explore my body and my sexuality, and then read from my diary while I screen my documentary about the process.
Queerie Bradshaw, also known as Lauren Marie Fleming has been blogging about queer stuff for forever. Her blog is like a treasure chest of queer pop culture. Sometimes light and funny and sometimes very real and serious. She has sections on sex, relationships, dating, crushes, porn, sex education, and way to much to even try to go on. She left this blog behind for her new website which features a link to her podcast: Bawdy Love, and a new blog which features posts about body issues and how to love your body. Her new stuff steps a bit away from it’s DIY queer punk feel and into something a bit more commercial feeling, but she is successfully making a living from her art, and encouraging others to do the same.
This very new blog came out since I started my research. It is a queer polyamory blog mostly written in German, but with a little English as well. There are only a few posts so far, but with a lot of potential. I am very excited to see what else this blogger has to offer.